I sent her some of these thoughts that I've shared here, and her response was something too great not to share with you all.
"I too am aware of so many selfish behaviors in myself, and those around me. Being pregnant has really highlighted it. The first thing that really comes to mind in response to this meditation is, you are going to be an excellent father. Not only do you recognize the need for discipline, you see the boundaries necessary in parenting. I do not think many in our generation can say that. It is also incredibly apparent your concern is not for yourself, but for others. On top of all that, you love freely, and that is not an easy thing to do.
When I think about God and how small I am in comparison it gets to be overwhelming because my mind immediately acknowledges my selfish nature. The beast I cannot fight completely. I can feed it and keep it docile, but sadly it’s always there. This is a humbling experience, but then I recognize that I am patting myself on the back once again for being some sort of noble character trait. Here we are back at square one of my selfishness. Humility is not easy. If you think you are humble, then you can’t be. Although we can’t all be selfless, we can try. I agree it is our responsibility to show patience and forgiveness to all people. We have to humble ourselves first. I hate to be the person to hash tag C.S. Lewis a million times, but your writings and perceptions have such a quality that reminds me of him. In my Philosophy class at Liberty we were required to read 4 of his books. I would recommend them all to you, but I know you have plenty of other reading to do. In Mere Christianity he talks about many of the topics you touched on, specifically our choice in our behaviors and recognizing others matter too.
"I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."
-Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis
-Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis
There is so much I want to say to you, and I want to stay on topic as much as possible, so forgive me if I stray. I struggle with wanting to write my heart and find it very difficult, not because I’m scared, but because it’s all too big. I wish I could just let you borrow it and you could see that I think you have an incredible ability to reason and I could pour out all my ideas to you.
It seems to me you are right about having a part of God in us when we believe and even without believing there is the longing to fill that space. I’ve been so confused at times about how it could all be possible, the world, life, and death. Science may not feel that God aligns with its theories, but I disagree. I think God is science. He is answering the questions easily, but our brains can’t function within the logic of God. I guess that is why lots of people find it easier to only maintain their logic of being selfish. It isn’t messy, it doesn’t need work, and it’s like breathing. When the selfishness backfires they are already in so deep that they simply blame it on something or someone else and fail to open their eyes to the pain they caused. When you think about boiling it all down into one precise question, “Why is it so hard to believe in a God that would sacrifice His only Son just to save a selfish world all at the simple request that we forgive, love, and believe?” The answer is because we don’t want to. It doesn’t fit into the plan we have for ourselves. It all goes back to that hideous idea of “self”. We can’t shake it from our vocabulary.
I’m glad you feel lighter after thinking and purging your burdens. I think it is good to feel depressed occasionally, especially when it leads to deep philosophy. It shows that there is more to “you” than “you”. It’s that little part of us that knows we rely on love for others and this God in order to exist. It saddens us when we feel isolated in our relationships. Reaching out and forgiving is all we can do. That is how you know things were created to be enjoyed and beautiful. You said (name omitted) made it all better, and that relationship branches out and pumps blood into all the other parts of you. Imagine if every relationship was like that. Then not only would we be the brain, but maybe the heart."
These are the words of Sarah H. East, my cousin and a dear friend of mine.
"Imagine if every relationship was like that. Then not only would we be the brain, but maybe the heart."
That's exactly how I feel, and that's exactly what I hope.