Do You Ever Feel...?

This is a bit of a long one, so there's a "Too Long, Didn't Read" line at the bottom to sum it up in a horribly ineffective way.

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K-12th grade--I was on top of the world. I was happy.

I got good grades, had a girlfriend, played in bands, traveled, acted/sang/danced, was a techie, played lacrosse, and held leadership positions in almost all of the clubs and orgs with which I was involved.

I was a generally happy individual. I worked hard to fulfill my current life goal: getting into college.

If I could get into a good college, then I'd be set for life. I'd learn everything, then get a job, earn money, travel, meet the love of my life, have perfect children and lead a perfect, happy life.

But when I got to school in the fall of 2009, things changed.

I didn't fit in. I didn't feel right. I didn't get that immediate satisfaction of feeling like, "I'm in the right place, and things for me are working out." That's what I expected to happen, simply because I am Me, and I worked really hard for that feeling. But it never came.

I didn't make friends that I connected with right away; I didn't feel as connected or involved as I did in high school. I felt alone and disappointed.

I didn't know what I was doing with my life anymore. I wasn't super-busy with school, a social life, a girlfriend, extracurriculars--I had a lot of time to think and reexamine what it was that I was doing, where I was going.

And when I didn't find that same satisfaction in college with the things I did in high school, I sort of lost touch with that happiness that I worked so hard to construct.

I was a pessimist. I don't know why I was predisposed to being negative or thinking negatively. Nothing in my life had gone completely horribly; I had all of the things that I need for "happiness," or so I thought.

And yet, I still felt isolated and deceived.

I spent a lot of time thinking. I would get on the internet, Facebook, Gmail, whatever--looking for some kind of satisfaction, or validation for what I was doing.

I didn't feel like I should have or wanted to, so I knew something was wrong.

I met some girls on my hall and forged really great friendships with them, and with my roommate at the time. But even after I had someone to spend time with and talk to, I still felt incomplete.

One day, out of nowhere--literally I have no clue to this day how I felt it so strongly, being that I haven't felt it since--this feeling came over me, and pulled me. I felt something growing inside my chest,  but somehow it was coming from myself. My Self, I guess.

It felt great! It was this huge swell of a beautiful feeling, one that I don't know how to describe.
I felt BIG. I felt like, for whatever reason, this feeling was for Me and it was driving me to action.

What action? I have no idea. I literally would listen to music that I loved, or sing, or think to myself and I would ride this wave of emotion that remained unsettled inside my body.

I experienced this phenomenon for several weeks on and off before I started giving it some real thought.

I was up hella late, and ran into my friend Alanna in one of the study lounges in my dorm. At the time, I was riding that wave of raw emotion, welled up inside my body, and I tried to describe it to her.

After doing my best to vocalize this indescribable feeling, which was neither 'good' nor 'bad,' but STRONG, I still felt like I hadn't done it justice. So, I started writing.

I literally opened up a Word document on my computer, sat down and tried to put what I was feeling into English.

This single creative act is what started me down a path of consciousness and greater understanding of myself and my Self. This word document now contains 230-some pages of raw emotion, thought, memories, wisdom, Truth, observations and realizations.

I would like to share with you the very first piece of that document. This selection is from that very night when I couldn't do that feeling justice by explaining to Alanna. This is what I wrote:

"I feel my emotions to the fullest. There is a gap somewhere in my being. I don’t know what it is. It’s love. It’s God. I don’t know. I feel this huge swell of love or happiness. But I can’t define it and it’s driving me insane. I wanna be in love. I’m happy, but I want to BE HAPPY. I feel my emotions at full capacity—I want to live them at full capacity. I want to kiss someone. I want to tell you-know-who how I feel. Again. I want to kiss. I want to hug. I want the whole world to feel as explosive and creative and hungry as I do. I feel like there’s this whole BOMB of creativity and feeling and initiative within me, but for whatever reason I can’t let it out. I’m in college. Stuck taking classes and resorting to listening to music to define my feelings—I feel like I’m sampling the love and happiness I want to share when I listen to songs that make you swell up with brightness and warmth. It’s music. It’s love. It’s everything I want to do. I don’t want to major in Spanish. I want a life in Spanish. I want to help people. I want to donate blood. I want to go to countries and adopt children.  It’s like this.

Words are flowing out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

 Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as they make their way
across the universe.

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

THIS LIMITLESS UNDYING LOVE IS WHAT I FEEL. AND IT DOES CALL TO ME. I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT."

(after two pages of writing down actions that give me feelings like the one I had, I still hadn't nailed it on the head yet)

"It’s feeling all of this shit and not being able to do anything to release it or explain it or share it. I just feel like, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” And then it’s gone for a while until I feel it again. It’s weird. 

I feel like I could walk up to anybody anywhere any time of any ethnicity and make a new friend, or learn something. I have no shame. I would do anything just for the challenge (at least I would try). I don’t care if I look like an idiot. What do I have to prove? Who do I have to impress? ME. If I’m content with who I am and I know that I am doing Good, I am ok with whatever other people have to say or think. I love being spontaneous and doing weird stuff for my own enjoyment. I like scary movies. I like being pumped about stuff. I love being excited about something I/we just came up with and then DOING IT. “We’re really doing it, Harry!” I love reading about weird things you don’t really know about and then understanding it. Like Buddhism, or the Sabbath, or whatever. I like to learn."

"When I try to use this URGE of creative feeling or happiness or love – it’s really none of those things – I can’t explain it. It’s just this EPIC feeling of ------- ?????? ------- I don’t know. It is a sense of purpose. I literally dream (as in have dreams) about standing up for what’s right and finding love."

 

"I can’t find a way to express the ways that I feel, this one BIG swollen emotion that keeps from sleeping. I just get on my computer and type for hours, thousands of words at a time—sometimes I only type two words. I can’t rap about it. I can’t sing about it. I can’t play the ukulele and find any solace from this feeling. I can’t play guitar and quench the emotional thirst that I have for this WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS. When I jam with Andrew and Ben and I’m banging on the drums, I can glimpse this—but at that time I didn’t know this feeling. It’s like, music I feel has a strong or key part in it. It’s not about music, but music helps me feel a little bit of it. It kind of appeases this emotion or great want – whatever this is. I feel like the only song that sort of explains (and it doesn’t begin to explain it) is Across the Universe by the beatles. Let me break it down. 

Words are flowing out like
endless rain into a paper cup

IT’S LIKE THERE IS THIS LITTLE OFFICE/CUBICLE PAPER CUP, THE POINTED ONES AND THERE IS THIS FUCKING TSUNAMI OF THOUGHT AND EMOTION AND POWER AND CREATIVITY AND FEELING THAT JUST SLAMS IT. IT’S LIKE MY ABILITY TO EXPRESS THE TSUNAMI IS THE SIZE OF THAT PAPER CUP AND JUST AS INEFFECTIVE.

They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy

POOLS OF SORROW, WAVES OF JOY. I’M DRENCHED IN THIS DISSATISFACTION UNTIL I FEEL THIS WAVE OF FEELING, THE ONE THAT I CAN’T EXPLAIN. IT’S LIKE I’M HAPPY MOST OF THE TIME, BUT THEN THIS WAVE HITS ME AND I FEEL LIKE THE TIME IS NOW—WHATEVER IT IS—IT’S NOW. PURPOSE. POINT. A DUTY. FEELING. WHATEVER IT IS. I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT.

 
are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

 Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box

THOUGHTS MEANDERING. THIS RESTLESS WIND IN THIS TINY LETTERBOX IS MY MIND. I CAN’T EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS—THEY CAN’T GET OUT OF THIS BOX! THEYR’E CONFINED TO THIS DARK SPACE, THIS DISMAL BOX. I CAN’T GET THEM OUT. I FEEL THEM AND THINK THEM AND THEY CONSUME MY BRAIN. I CAN’T SLEEP OR CONCENTRATE. THEY GO EVERYWHERE—WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WHEN I’M OLDER—WHAT I’D LIKE TO LEARN TO PLAY—WHAT I WANT TO SING. IT’S LIKE IF I COULD REALLY SING, LIKE REALLY WELL, THAT MIGHT HELP. TO ME SINGING IS LIKE FLYING. YOU FEEL ON TOP OF THIS LAYER OF FEELING THAT YOU JUST FLOAT ON WHILE YOU SING. THAT KIND OF COULD MAYBE APPEASE THIS FEELING IF I COULD SING. MAYBE. NOT REALLY, BUT IT WOULD BE SATISFYING TO BELT THIS SONG FROM A MOUNTAIN TOP WITH A BEAUTIFUL SUNSET IN THE DISTANCE. NO WORRIES. JUST SONG.

 
they tumble blindly as they make their way
across the universe.

THEY TUMBLE BLINDLY. THERE IS NO DIRECTION TO MY THOUGHTS. THEY’RE OUT THERE. I SEE THEM AND FEEL THEM, BUT THEY’RE MOVING. DYNAMIC. EVERCHANGING. THERE’RE TOO MANY OF THEM. I CAN’T EVEN ENUMERATE HALF OF WHAT I FEEL OR WANT TO DO. THAT’S WHAT THIS PAPER IS ABOUT.

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me

THIS IS WHAT I FEEL. LIFE. LAUGHTER. WILL. FRIENDS. LIFE. YASMINE KATHLEEN AND CHELSEA. ALL OF THE MEMORIES WE’VE SHARED. ALL OF IT. IT’S SO MUCH. I CAN’T STAND IT. I CAN’T STAND TO NOT HAVE IT. I FEEL LIKE IT’S NOT HAVING IT AT SCHOOL THAT MAYBE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THIS. THIS LONGING FOR FRIENDSHIP AND GENUINE LOVE AND WARMTH AND BEAUTY THAT I FELT THAT I HAD AT THE END OF HIGH SCHOOL. THAT COULD BE IT. MAYBE. I THINK IT’S BIGGER THAN THAT THOUGH. I FEEL LIKE IT’S BIGGER THAN THAT HAPPINESS THAT I HAD. I FEEL LIKE IT’S GOT MORE GRAVITY; IT’S MORE IMPORTANT AND IMPENDING.

Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

THIS LIMITLESS UNDYING LOVE MIGHT BE WHAT I FEEL. I CAN’T DESCRIBE IT. I FEEL LIKE I’M BEING LED ACROSS THE UNIVERSE—ACROSS MY MIND—ACROSS MY HEART, MY FEELINGS—I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING SOMEWHERE. THERE IS PURPOSE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT THOUGH.

I FEEL LIKE THIS FEELING IS BIGGER THAN ME. MAYBE IT IS GOD. MAYBE IT IS A CALLING. WHAT IS IT. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE. THIS SEEMS SO CLICHÉ BUT I DON’T KNOW IF ANYONE HAS FELT THIS BIG BEFORE. LIKE BIG. LIKE EPIC. IMPORTANT. WITH PURPOSE. DETERMINATION. I NEED TO KNOW. I NEED TO KNOW.

It’s like pent-up emotions. I kind of want to cry just to cry. Not because I’m sad, but just to let some of it out, like a tap almost. I’m thinking about going to the Varner house on campus just so I can have someone to talk to. I don’t think I could explain it to Kathleen or Will. They’re the only ones I would really normally confide in, but I don’t think I could get it across to them without them feeling like they really don’t understand. If they said they did, I don’t think I would be able to believe that they know what I’m talking about. This is the first time (the first time being this school year) that I have really experienced this kind of thing.

I kind of felt it after I broke up with Frannie and came home from work at the Pearson job and put on some good music and got in the shower and realized, “I’m happy. I can be happy.” That was a hard time for me and that was the first time that I had been genuinely happy for no apparent reason." 

--I've never shared this with anyone before, but now that I better understand it, I think it's important that I do. 

This feeling was my calling. And not like "God" calling me, or whatever, but it was my Self! I was reaching out to myself. This inner Me finally emerged and decided that things needed to be different for me, for the way I think and feel and relate to others, if I was going to do anything about it. 

So I started writing, and I've continued to do so. I write not so much what I think, but more of what I feel. 

People spend so much time thinking, just as I did, and it didn't get me anywhere. It made me depressed and cynical. I still am sometimes. 

But experiencing that feeling--it was a FULLNESS. Imagine feeling truly fulfilled, but not as in "done," or "finished." Imagine feeling fulfilled, so much so that you must share it or drown in it. Imagine feeling like everything you do had the greatest and utmost importance. That's how I felt.

I almost felt selfish, but I knew that this was something bigger than my own understanding of it. It was bigger than Me and it still is. I'm still trying to figure my Self out, and what that feeling that led me to all of this writing and thinking was.

I guess the point of sharing all of this is that I hope someone out there knows what the hell I'm talking about, hahahaha.

I don't understand really what I'm supposed to be doing with the way that I feel, or my writing or thoughts. I don't know why I started this blog. The word "blog" and the thought of "blogging" makes me feel so inaffective and shallow, but I don't know what else to do about these things. Where else could I put this?

But I do know that there have to be more people that know this feeling that I am describing. This is a feeling of humanity. It's as big as humanity. And it's universal for humanity.

This feeling is what led me to action, to writing, to thinking critically about my world and my reality, my Self and the universe--it cannot be ignored. It shouldn't be ignored. Ignoring this feeling is denying your true Self, your true Reality, and your true connection that we do not yet fully understand to our Earth and our human counterparts. We are made up of the same consciousness. Don't ignore it! Share it with others and create the reality in which you wish to live. This feeling has led me to believe that I am capable of doing just that. And I do. Every day. Consciously. It's a decision that I have to make, and when I do--I feel fulfilled.


TLDR: This feeling that I felt, the one that drove me to question myself, my Self, our world, our universe, reality, humanity, spirituality, purpose, etc.--basically the feeling that started my life as I know it now--THIS FEELING IS A DEEPER CONNECTION WITH HUMANITY. This feeling is a deeper understanding and appreciation for Us as a whole. We are connected, energetically, spiritually, whatever. This feeling is a connection that you feel to another person magnified by 10^infinity. This is the feeling of consciousness. It's not a feeling; instead, it is FEELING. It's a greater connection to ourselves, to humanity.

For real--TLDR: This feeling makes you feel like every human being is your brother or sister, mom or dad. You feel that if an injustice is being done to anyone, it is YOUR responsibility to change it. And it is. This feeling is a stronger connection to all human beings. We are connected. This feeling makes you realize this. And if we all did, the world would have to change. Things would be better. We would lift each other up and be fulfilled.